Obligatory COVID-19 Post

I’m going to assume that a lot of people have written about COVID-19. How can you not? There’s only a handful of events that have occurred in my lifetime that have affected people on this global of a scale. The last one I can remember would have been 9/11, but even that didn’t affect people’s every day lives as much as COVID-19 has. I’m going to try my best not to complain, as there’s too much negativity out there, but I’m feeling the need to write out some of my thoughts.

About a month before social distancing was in affect, my boyfriend inklessej and I moved in together and our place is a 550 square one bedroom unit in a multi-unit character house. At the time we didn’t worry about the small space since it’s located in an area with lots of parks, restaurants, coffee shops, and other places we can go if we needed space or alone time. My office and a good portion of my friends all live walking distance away (I live in a small city) so it wasn’t like I planned on being home all of the time. My boyfriend’s church (I’m not religious, but that will be for another post) and the hospital where he goes for treatment three nights a week are also walking distance, so under normal circumstances the place is ideal.

By mid-March my boyfriend is home permanently and I’m working from home full time for who knows how long, and all social distancing protocols are in full force. First, I want to note how grateful I am that I’m able to work from home full time. I know a few people in the service and restaurant industry who are not so lucky. I’m also grateful that my boyfriend’s job isn’t affected by economic downturn. I’m also relieved that I’m living with my boyfriend and not with room mates or experiencing social isolation alone.

So far my boyfriend and I have been sharing our space well. We both like computer games and movies and reading and are able to exist in the same room together but be focused on our own thing. My job requires me to talk on the phone a lot, which I’m not used to doing in front of someone else who doesn’t do my job but my boyfriend puts head phones on and putters around the house while I work. We’re making the best of our situation and luckily it’s going as smoothly as it could right now.

In normal circumstances I would consider myself an introvert. While I love going out and socializing I need my recharge time before I’m ready to socialize again. When I first heard about the social distancing policy I wasn’t too worried about it negatively affecting me but it definitely is in some ways. Some days I barely notice it but other days I wake feeling pent-up like I’m going to explode. As much as I love having an excuse to stay home...there’s something about being forced to stay home that has been really unsettling. I think what’s making it worse is the odd time I do leave the house, I’m suddenly hyper aware that I need to stand two meters away from anyone or I feel like I’m doing something wrong just because I’m letting myself go for a much needed walk.

It seems silly but going to the grocery store, an activity I actually like doing, has become anxiety inducing because we have to wait in line (two meters apart) to get in the store, then when I’m in the store I’m hyper aware that I have to stand two meters from staff and other shoppers. Trying to grab two granny smith apples becomes this huge annoyance because someone is standing just close enough to the apples that if I reach over to grab the apples I want I’m less than two meters from them. So I stand there awkwardly waiting for this person to move and they don’t and then another person walks too close to me and I want to move but I can’t because I’m boxed in by other shoppers and a fifteen year old grocery clerk who is just trying to do his job. Then I start wondering if I’m the asshole who is getting in everyone else’s way and they’re trying to avoid walking too close to me and if I just moved they could get on with their grocery shop and I wouldn’t be putting the grocery store clerk’s safety at risk. Before I know it I’ve completely forgotten about what I was wanting in the produce section, and I’m weaving around holding an apple in each hand, looking for the garlic which is clearly sold out, trying to avoid people and not paying any attention to the produce around me (How many pears did we have left in the fridge? Did I need to buy more apples? Should I just get the organic shit even though it’s more expensive? Why are we in a grocery store again?) that I need to buy and my boyfriend is standing a few feet from me wondering what the fuck I’m up to and why I’m suddenly short with him for no apparent reason as I find him and toss the apples into the shopping cart a little too aggressively while I’m fighting back the urge to scream and throw the apples at someone’s head.

Moral of the story: I’ve been more anxious than usual but I’m dealing.

I’ve discovered I’m someone who needs structure in their life. If I don't, I feel like I don't do anything except play computer games for an embarrassingly long time or sleep and then guilt trip myself for not doing anything or feel anxious because I'm not doing anything. Luckily my job has provided me this in that I have something I’m responsible to do for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I’m not someone who loves their job and would do it for free, but I am very thankful that I’m able to continue to work because sometimes it feels like it’s the only thing from my “previous life” that hasn’t been put on hold. I also play Dungeons and Dragons with five other amazing ladies and due to the power of the internet are still able to play together. This activity gives me something to look forward to during the week, and a chance to get some socialization in. I need to start taking walks and making that time a priority. Not only for the much needed exercise but also the peace of mind it gives me to get out and about. I’ve discovered morning walks to be the best as it’s the quietest and I see the least amount of people.

I also need to make sure that I pay attention to my relationship. As much as my boyfriend and I are compatible and can exist in our small place very well, I don’t want to make the mistake a made with my last serious relationship where I got too comfortable and stopped actually working on my relationship. Going out for dinner dates or meals in general (we eat a lot of breakfast food together) was a big thing and a chance for us to sit and talk and spend quality time together. Now that we can’t do that, I do have a small fear that we’ll get into this slump of just comfortably existing around each other but rarely actually interacting with each other. If social isolation policies extend until the end of summer, I need to make sure we're existing in a way that's sustainable.

It’s, what, week 4 of social isolation and I think I’ve done a good job of not complaining too much and feeling grateful for the situation I’m currently in. I was having a rough day at work two weeks ago and my boss gently reminded me that I am allowed to feel frustrated, regardless of the situation I’m in. I watched a recent episode of Tonight with John Oliver where he does this bit where he gives himself 30 seconds to complain as loudly as he wanted about something he was missing or feeling frustrated about due to COVID-19, then he would let it go. I love this idea and think it might be very therapeutic. I might plan a day where I go somewhere away from buildings and give myself 30 seconds to scream at the top of my lungs about everything I’m feeling frustrated about. I know a couple of girlfriends who would want to join...but we’d make sure to stand two meters apart.